The life of the aged isn’t an easy one

Published 9:22 am Saturday, March 3, 2018

A couple of weeks ago, I went in for my annual physical checkup of which I have always considered to be a waste of time. As the Doctor listened to the scope he was holding to my chest, he said that something was wrong. The Nurse came in and connected a bunch of wires to my chest. She pressed a button and the darn thing printed out a picture of my erratic heartbeat, or so she said. To me, it looked like a copy of Nancy Pelosi’s tax return. The Doctor came back in and said that he was sending me over to the Heart Doctor who might electrocute you. Actually, the Doctor said “shock you” but it is still a jolt of electricity going through your body. My thought at the time was, “Boy, I am glad I made out my will so the sorry sons-in-law can enjoy my $100 in savings, my GI burial insurance, and my worn out collection of tools. And that my treasure, my ZTR lawn mower, will go to my namesake Frazer who lives in Washington D.C.” He can use it to ride around the traffic jams. It would also probably come in handy for him to mow down some of the Trump Haters gathered on the White House lawn.

Well, I went on over to the Heart Doctor and he confirmed the other doctor’s diagnosis. A few days later, I headed to the Alabama Power Facility at the East Alabama Hospital.  I was put in a room where they punched a hole in my arm and inserted a needle that was connected to some kind of tube with fluid flowing through it that looked like lemonade. I lay there while the lemonade circulated through my electronic system. I thought that the Nurse was watching TV, but she said that she was watching my erratic heartbeat on the screen.  Finally, she told me that the lemonade was not working, so they rolled me into the Alabama Power Substation. The Doctor attempted to tell me that it wouldn’t kill me but by that time, I was already dead. At least I was out of what was going on after they plugged the wires glued to my chest into the electrical socket and turned on the switch.

Afterward, lying there and realizing that I survived 1,000 volts of electricity going through my body, a lot of old age thoughts came to mind. Especially since the Heart Doctor told me that my body’s electrical system, which stimulates the heartbeat, is worn out. The Doc said that it is like the electrical circuit in your house, and after 89 years, it wears out.

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Never before had I so fully faced the reality of old age:

1. Your black address book contains only names ending in MD.

2. Growing up is selective but growing old is mandatory.

3. Your knees buckle when you stand but the belt doesn’t.

4. You know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.

5. You have too much room in the house but not enough in the medicine cabinet.

6. You get winded trying to lace up your boots.

7. You never realize the advantage of crawling until you fall and can’t get up.

8. Your brats are now looking middle aged.

9. Two things that you do more frequently–visit the bathroom and attend funerals.

10. Growth is only in the middle and not at both ends.

11. You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than for romantic reasons.

12. You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

Don’t laugh – you will eventually get there unless the Lord deems otherwise. Meanwhile I enjoy acting like a fool, which is easy to do in my case. At least at this point in life, I know that I can get away with teasing the Roll Tide crowd because it is not acceptable practice to attack an old man with an erratic drumbeat.